#so he knows Bad Things Happened but doesnt actually know any specifics

[snickerdoodlles]

can we really? because that's not been my experience in this fandom.

western fandom has a consistent problem in overriding other cultures with their own. emphasis on western holidays/traditions, western folklore/stories, western customs, the specific way western cultures engage with queer topics/politics. this happens constantly for all eastern media, but to me it's always seemed particularly egregious for Thai media and esp Thai bl (tbf, this is potentially because it's one of my bigger online spaces while also not being a big space so it's just what I'm seeing more of, but it is so bad). people often push back with either "it's just a joke" or "you can't expect everyone to just know everything about [other culture] just for fanfic/fandom," except that only applies when people have made the effort to learn about that culture. it's not an excuse to ignore it completely.

and what's so mind-boggling to me about moonlight chicken in particular is the constant sectioning of Jim, Wen, and Li Ming into "different generations of queer." They aren't! Jim was running a restaurant while happily in an open queer relationship with his boyfriend, yet the fucking number of times I've had to see "lol internalized homophobia" (do you guys know what internalized homophobia means) or "he's from a different generation of queer where theyre resigned to being queer" (fucking WHAT?!) posts is overwhelming huge to the number of times I've seen posts that acknowledge or engage with moonlight chickens extremely pointed narrative that social acceptance is not enough when the law does not protect queer people's rights and what happened to Jim can still happen to Wen, still happen to Li Ming. (I have seen. 2 posts that engage with it. one of which was mine. I blocked the tag for a good 8 months because it was so overwhelmingly "lol internalized homophobia" posts.)

I genuinely don't mean this comment directly to you. I don't mean this as a "no fun allowed" comment either, but Thai bl fandom, moonlight chicken fandom esp, is so. bad. about ignoring the heavily Thai cultural elements of its narrative that none of the jokes are funny in the larger fandom context.

its so weird seeing posts that mock uncle jim for worrying about li ming's queerness as though his dead boyfriend's parents (legally) stealing his entire life savings and leaving him to manage a restaurant business specifically because gay couples aren't legally recognized as couples wasn't what put him in a cycle of crushing debt and endless poverty in the first place

[kinardsboy]

This has been sitting on my mind a lot lately but it seems extra relevant now with the way Tommy and by extension Lou has been criticized for acting “too gay” in ep 5. And while yes, I will agree Tommy acted slightly different in ep 5, it has absolutely everything to do with Lou’s incredible acting choices to play Tommy differently when he is around people he deems as “safe” which is much better explained in this amazing post here <-

All these complains are doing is just yet again exposing buddies as homophobes who are, at the end of the day. Uncomfortable with real queerness being shown infront of them. Of course we already knew this with how they react to Buck and Tommy kissing and god forbid flirting especially if it has sexual implications like the daddy kink scene.

They can’t possibly fathom their precious uwu baby Buck would be sexual with another man so they spin and twist it however they can to make it out to be, “NO! You see! Tommy started the flirting! Tommy is just an insatiable horny gay man! He only wants sex! Like most of them do!”

Which is again spewing homophobic rhetoric, who wouldve guessed thats what they immediately turn to?

I now have something probably controversial to say but oh well, im going to say it anyway.

A good many of these shippers would be deeply uncomfortable with Buddie actually becoming canon, because they would be nothing like their fanfic. They don’t want to see two men in a relationship, they want to see Eddie in a relationship with the character they project themselves onto.

There are so many examples of this but perhaps the biggest being the way Buck is made out to be the “woman” in the relationship and especially how he is made to be the “mom”

Buck and Tommy’s relationship 1st does not have any children involved so there are no gendered roles to be assigned (even though if there was.. theyd just both be a dad), they are both beefy and the same height, which is what people usually use to decide “top” and “bottom” but again since there is little physical difference between them, they cannot do this, which only adds to their uncomfortableness.

Furthermore, I would go as far to say that Buddie shippers dont actually like Buck.

A while back a shipper posted this analysis of Buddie, that essentially reduces Buck to a dog. A pet. Only to be let out of the bedroom to cook and take care of Chris, otherwise he’s meant only for Eddie’s pleasure.

Which, disgusting. But the thing that stood out most to me was how Tommy was criticized for

letting Buck be himself. For accepting and loving him flaws and all. For not trying to change anything, or “train” the bad out of him

While Eddie was the “trainer” in that scenario, that had to train the bad out of Buck in order for him to be acceptable.

And thats the funny thing isnt it? Buddie shippers have to completely warp and destroy Buck’s character to make him fit their mold of perfect partner for Eddie. They make him out to be this helpless person who can’t even tell Tommy he doesnt want to be called Evan, that needs rescuing from Tommy, that is a “mother figure” to Chris, that his “dream role” would be live in chef and maid for the diaz family..

When none of that is Buck.

Buck is a smart, independent and strong man. He has worked tirelessly on himself to know who he is and what he wants, which right now? Is with Tommy.

Bringing it back to my main point, their complaints of Tommy being more gay and Bucktommy intimacy ultimately just boil down to homophobia plain and simple, seeing real queer representation and not representation that they can specifically twist and cater to themselves through fic, headcanons or gifs, makes them uncomfortable

(could this be why so many of them ignore shows with canon m/m ships for favor of shows with fanon ones that will never actually happen? So they can make these demands for representation then shit on it as soon as they get it because its not fanfic? Its not their fetish specifically catered to them? It actually represents real life queer men who they don’t actually like?)

[electraslight]

(Raises hand) I'm actually fascinated by how you design Hunter and all your personal choices to tweak, redesign, and choose the style of clothes he wears I absolutely adore it and would love to know your thought process behind it all and what you think of his character speaking of him I also Absolutely wanna hear whatever you have locked and loaded about the Wittebane brothers

Oh yes yes yes. im so excited

Hunter is like. my favorite character hands down. I cannot overstate to you how much he means to me, especially as an ex evangelical, as it is highly personal lol but just know i like him VERY MUCH. I have a lot of character stuff id like to do with him someday, but comics are hard lol, so ive only done one.

i dont have a specific name for what drives my clothing choices for him. handmade. utilitarian but personalized. like hes wearing every article of clothing he owns at once. 'going out to take out the trash' core.

i usually dress him in human realm clothing bc i feel he doesnt rlly like much about the BI and prefers to dress casually. most of my outfits for him are inspired by his human realm clothing or general fashion whims i have, like denim ankle length skirts and the like. i dont stick too close to any one thing bc hes mostly experimenting, below are some doodles i did

im working on a bigger wittebane brothers post (i like making rlly long analysis stuff so bear with me) but im nervous to post it bc i have a specific take that i feel may be unwelcome bc of a term i will use (as if saying belos did a bad thing is anything new. he fucking murdered and ate his brother anything new i call him is just a dot on the infinite list) but i'm a lover of gothic fiction so gritty analysis is what will happen.

thank you for your ask, i would love to answer any and all hunter questions so i can draw him over and over like this.

(i think he looks nice with long hair. i know he hates it but im his father i decide what he wants)

[plasmara]

ok but seriously. dr s3 was not a season it was a fic generator in disguise. LIKE THEY GAVE US SOOOO MUCH. and now I’m drowning in fic ideas with zero ability to commit to just one so here’s a brain dump (but jay edition because i wrote them all out and accidentally hit one thousand million words):

so. the obvious one is jaya. Duhhhhh. just jaya in general. jaya angst. They r so tragic now and i want it all. the absolute disaster of it. i want every version

give me nya trying to flirt her way back in like “hey, remember me? your girlfriend? the love of your life? jay. jay. JAY.” and jay’s like “okay first of all i barely remember ur name.” he’s being stubborn about not catching feelings, and she’s being even worse about refusing to take the hint coz if she can’t win him back with love she is Absolutely going to do it with sheer persistence and mild emotional terrorism

and kai keeps trying to give her advice but fumbling bad bitches is a genetic trait and they’re both diseased

OKAY AND JAY. IN GENERAL. OBVIOUSLY

i need his pov through the whole season. the fallout after what happened w ras and how he was well and truly Abandoned with a capital a HE HAD NO ONE . him trying to piece himself together without his memories. and how he rediscovers like the little things that made him HIM. the inventing. the way he starts tinkering with stuff without even thinking. the terrible jokes and the way he needs to lighten the mood even when everything’s falling apart. HOW HE MAKES A NAME FOR HIMSELF and is just really his own person. i loveeeeeee how they didn’t just brush it off like yea he’s doing his own thing now whateverrrr. like they went into specifics (ish) and i feel like it rlly added to his personality

AND THEN him trying to trust this group of strangers who keep looking at him like he MATTERS. like they KNOW him. and he’s just like “ok cool cool cool i don’t Know any of u but sure.”

he keeps saying he’s fine when he’s literally NOT. cracking jokes like it’s instinct but they don’t land right. he laughs and then immediately wants to curl into a corner and disappear. BUT HE CANT CONFIDENIN ANY OF THEKNBECAUSE HE DOESNT KNOWNTHEM!!!!!! side note he clearly knows a LOT (based off how he knew about arin’s parents instantly) BUT HE DIDNT VOLUNTEER THAT INFO UNTIL RIGHT AT THE END AND HE KEPT IT ALL TO HIMSELF FOR SO LONG. HE DOESJT TALK ANYMORE!!!!! HES NOT USED TO TALKING WITH ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHINGN AND HES PROBABLY GOT SONMUCH REPRESSED AND KEPT LOCKED UP AND AGHHHHHH!!!! omg someone take this boy to therapy

AND THEN GIVE ME A WHOLSE SEPARATE FIC ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH TOUCH NOW. because this kid was THE most touchy out of the team. he was always throwing himself at people BUT .now. Now he flinches whenever anyone moves too quickly towards him and they all have to keep reminding themselves of it. FUCK!!!!!!

and specifically cole because let’s be honest bruise’s love language is physical touch and it’s killing cole not to be able to be near him. AND ACTUALLY BECAUSE COLE ISNSO TOUCHY jay avoids him the most and it’s like. That’s ur best friend………. WHAT R U DOING. and everyone thought just FINDING jay would be the hardest part but actually this is and they don’t know what to do

okay and. Well. plasma. Like sorry u all knew this was coming. i have to live up to the plasmara name after all its in the contract. and i Love them but I don’t want to write angst for them in this context I just think it would be so funny to have kai hardcore crushing on his sister’s ex fiancée and even funnier to have jay somehow like him back. Like he just takes whatever kai tells him at face value and thinks yup.. this is the one i Trust. just hears kai say “yeah you were totally into me” ONE TIME as a joke or in a moment of panic and he fully believes it cos he’s got the memory of a damp sponge. Like. “oh. yeah. that checks out. i must have been with you. makes sense. ur hot” And after kai finishes freaking out he decides yup THIS IS MY CHANCE!! nya u had him for years. It’s MY turn now

and he is now committed to the bit with his whole chest. takes every opportunity to “remind” jay how deeply in love he was.

“you used to call me hot stuff.”

“no i didn’t.”

“you don’t remember, jay.”

And worst part is it works because jay is just like… “well he seems to have a good balance between nice and pathetically obsessed and my standards are a mystery to me so sure???”

[wackywatchdotcom]

before i go do smth else like smth i think abt often but was thinking abt a few hrs ago in particular is how the circus easily tricks the audience into thinking the circus would be Better Than Real Life. when i think from literally almost any angle you examine it its just as bad (if not worse, depending on your own problems)

i think theres like so many problems its hard to even list them all. some of it is personal taste things. cus i think a lot of people think itd be fun because they enjoy specific aesthetic choices in the circus, or bc of other interest related things. but like. what about people who HATE bright colors. what about people who dont like the idea of not being human. what about people who dont enjoy things like roleplaying. some aspects of the circus are only even appealing to specific tastes in things, making one of the few 'draws' of it not really even being a universal thing

and thats the superficial stuff. because more importantly, if you dont like the real world (for whatever reason), the circus may provide a temporary solution to that, because its so far removed from reality. but i think the circus is way smaller than people realize. theres definitely always going to be things to see since caine can always make things, but its just as limited if not more than the real world, because while the world grows and changes, genuinely new things are created and discovered and stuff. caine will never really get to see that, let alone recreate it for the players- and even then, it still isnt actually that thing. that doesnt even factor in that caine is already operating on limited knowledge of the real world. its not clear how detailed he can get on things, since the accuracy can vary (spudsys being so accurate to the real world, vs the dinner in ep 1 being so flat and lacking almost any detail), but theres a good chance that anything he makes is going to be limited to, at the most, a CONCEPT from the real world, if theres nothing in the real world you like, thats still all youll get, just in a different way.and if you DO like things from the real world, youll never get to truly reexperience it (even if caine remakes it, youll know its not the real thing, and it wont be 100% how you remember it, either)

then theres the safety/pain/horror aspect to what caine makes. i think because there hasnt been gore or anything its easy to assume the circus is still tame, and that anything bad that happens cant be TOO bad. but this is NOT true at all. the teaser of the show establishes that even when caine is not going for horror, he still hurts the players. theres things thatd be physically horrifying to a person like getting possessed, theres physical pain (i see it debated but i think its clear that even if they were to experience less pain, they still DO experience pain, but thats a different topic) or extreme discomfort, theres psychological torment (the exit doors are genuinely very cruel even if that wasnt caines goal, what ep 4 did to jax and gangle. kinger getting taunted in ep 3, etc). its all survivable but even if you like them caine isnt trustworthy enough in this way to never do smth horrific to a person, or cause it through his actions

then theres the complete lack of autonomy, which imo is one of the most frightening things about the circus. bc unless your tastes are always aligning with the exciting, completely family friendly existence of the circus, and you never deviate even a little, you are going to be barred from any semblance of it. its best illustrated in how pomni HATES being touched but caines always prodding her and moving her places and stuff, and in how zooble is denied the option to opt out of adventures even when they state they want to directly by episode 4 implying the choice to even have time to yourself is deeply conditional (plus, the whole lack of an exit entirely meaning that even if you liked the circus, the lack of option to leave would still affect a person. youre getting locked in a big room for the rest of time and youll never get to leave). and also this post

and THEN you factor in the social aspect. because regardless of how you prefer socializing if at all, the circus is a nightmare. if you dont like people, thats great! you dont NEED to be anyones friend! except that you are going to be forced to interact with them eventually, and when you do its going to be repeated. its not gonna be once. and once caine notices hes going to bother you about it. forever

alternatively, if you DO like social interactions in any way, no matter what, if its not you, youre going to see others abstract. you are going to inevitably watch those you care abt struggle and eventually get stuck in a state that Seems Extremely Horrifying To Experience forever. its long and drawn out and itd suck and it wouldnt happen once

then is the easy to forget fact that if you have psychological problems they can and WILL follow you to the circus. gangle and zooble are the biggest examples of this. the circus didnt get rid of their problems, they just gave it a new, horrifying inevitable consequence. i sometimes fall victim to looking at the circus and assuming that ohhh i wouldnt have this problem! because i wont have to deal w it getting set off! but like... yeah i would. i wouldnt stop having this or that in the circus id just have to deal w it while ALSO going on adventures

theres many things. you cant truly eat you cant die you dont get to decide anything when you do die it seems terrifying to experience and youll be stuck in some level of that forever and anything you enjoy is not with you and anything you dont enjoy will follow you too to some degree and the list goes on and on

all this said i dont think any of this is an indicator that the characters lives are meaningless or smth just because it sucks. theres a reason gooseworx has said that the takeaway from the show should be that theres meaning to be found in a stagnant life. theres still meaning in their existence and i dont think its as hopeless as it may seem- but i think its still BAD. and tbh the idea that its worse only HELPS that theme of the show!!! i dont think itd hit as hard as a theme if the circus DIDNT suck

[vazaez]

It has come to my attention that someone has been shittalking me and twisting up My words to make me seem like a creep, so i'm here to defend myself.

Here's what they said:

Good job making me look like a piece of shit over a fic i read out of curiosity because people kept mentioning it under my art, here's the conversation in question we had on Instagram, because You didnt give three shits before sharing bits and pieces of out of context messages no one else saw, making up your own version, i don't feel bad not giving a shit about showing the whole thing because i got nothing to hide.

And since you were too much of a coward to be straight with me i'll respect your wishes and keep you anonymous too.

I will translate the conversation, word for word, and i want everyone to judge if it actually correlates to what the initial post says, get your own conclusions, i don't need to fight to defend my point.

-about the possible fanfic they're mentionin on tumblr was possibly by a usar named izosso, but that guy is a proshipper and all the other fics in the tag are really weird💀

Telling you here because my tumblr account doesnt let me comment

•i saw them lol and i blocked izosso, but theres another fic by someone else [literally the only one of the ship that wasnt posted by izosso] who isnt a proshitter [as far as i know] and the fic is relatively good

-send me the link

•some things didnt really sit right with me but over all it's pretty good, they describe the dynamic almost the same as i imagined it skhd

It has a lot of smut, i just let you know because maybe that content is not your cup of tea

-going into the wild kratts Tag in AO3 is like playing the Russian roulette

Just send it to me to see what it's about

•yeah 😭 that's why i found it so weird so many people talking about the same fic

(I send the link) Here it is

-ahh yeah i found this one but i found the food sex tag weird

(Replying to my prev message) Me too

• ah yes, but it's not that much, it was put there more like a caution but no one stuck any food down any holes fortunately 🙏(clearly joking btw)

Well, besides the mouth

-thank god lol

Lmao hey out of curiosity, can i know what about it was it that you didnt like? I found it weird to see Chris as a bottom because i can't imagine him like that

•oh yeah no i do see it, he's too much of a diva 💔 (also clearly a joke?? Are we serious??) what i dislike the most is that Zach acts super weird

And the fact that there is smut at all, because it's a topic that causes me a lot of debate because he's a self insert and all

So i don't know how to feel about it, but it is well written at the very least lol

-same, it's like a 50/50 , in any case i think the fandom is gonna to form a dispute because there's a Lot of artists who font like that and when that happens i'm gonna be like Italy during WW2 lol

And yeah that thing with Zach was really weird *proceeds to call the police*

•LMAO yeah, i just try to not touch that topic much because it could always cause problems

Now where did i ever mention that i consume that content because i like it? Where did i ever sound like "an average Fujoshi"? When i very clearly said that what threw me off about the fic was the fact that there was smut at all

If what made you nauseous enough to try to ruin me was that i jokingly said he was a diva then i don't even fucking know what to tell you ??

The same curiosity you had to come and ask me for the link was the one that caused me to give the fic a try in the first place, so am i really more to be judged than you when we did the exact same thing??

Im an adult, i don't appreciate you going around saying "she still has some years for her brain to develop so i'll have faith!!" Like i'm some sort of idiot, you're barely a year older than me so be serious.

And i don't need you to go to some rando's asks to shit talk me and confess you had plans to talk crap about me to my friends because you had your own conclusions from a very specific conversation, and act like i was the one who still needs to get her shit together

Like what even is your point-?

Check yourself

And to call me a hypocrite on top of it all,,, just unbelievable

Who really is the hypocrite?

[basil-does-arttt]

so we all know how Bury The Light as a theme song represents Vergil and subsequently his story and themes within DMC 5??

Well obviously that means Subhuman is the same for Dante. So i did some thinking (wow big surprise there shocking i know)

The TLDR of this is my conclusion that Dante is reckless and overconfident because of his half-devil nature and as a result disregards his life and safety. Also, that Dante has mixed feelings about his demon side.

Specifically what got me to this thought was the line we all know if you've listened to subhuman:

"You cannot kill me, i am subhuman."

And,

I mean come on, the message couldn't have been written any clearer here. Because he's part demon, because he's - as Dante puts it, assumably the writing of this song is from his POV much like i assume Bury the Light is from Vergil's POV - sub-human, he believes he cant die. That whatever is thrown at him, no matter what or how dangerous the situation is, he naively believes he will come out the other end unscathed.

And to be honest, he kinda has reason to believe that thus far. If being stabbed at least 5 times throughout your life and brushing each one off as if it were a mere scratch wasn't enough to convince him, defeating so many different great demonic beasts including Mundus himself definitely would. I mean, who wouldnt? Whatever hell throws at Dante, surely cant be any worse than the actual fucking demon king or his own brother post-DMC 5. In a sense, he believes he is immortal.

But that way of thinking is shallow, its naive and leaves him open to danger because it makes him cocky. He thinks he's untouchable, and that way of thinking could get him seriously hurt or worse if he isnt careful. (As we see in the beginning of DMC 5 actually. He thinks "eh, ive fought worse, how bad could this actually be?" That "Its only Vergil, and ive fought him before." Only to have his shit kicked in and end up in a coma for a month. Imagine if that happened with a different demon that wasn't so merciful as to keep him alive for all that time, who would've jumped at the opportunity to rip him to shreds in an instant.)

I also want to go into how the song reflects Dante's (poor) mental health and his thoughts on being a half-demon.

Its kinda hard to catch unless you really think about it but the song is clearly negative in tone when it comes to describing Dante's own devil form. "As i call upon the dark gift to erupt" is one line that sticks out to me and i think is the best example of this. I also believe from the song that Dante views his DT as a seperate entity from himself; "I feel the devil in me, we're coming right for you".

"Funny how the mind tries to sink me deeper, as the evil tries to turn me around." The evil could be in reference to other demons, yes, but it also could be referencing his own "demon"; "i must not forget that i have bled, from no respect to the demons in my head". Wether that line means he's gotten himself hurt because of his own recklessness or self-harm i cant tell, and i wont assume one or the other specifically.

Throughout the song too, the lines "i cannot erupt, i must control, i cannot erupt, i must explode" to me also seems like Dante struggles with control of his DT, and is scared of losing himself when triggered. The whole tone of the song seems like a rampage of sorts too, its very aggresive and almost violent. "Something save me, put me out of my destiny, and drop me safely in this hell"; yet at the same time as his fears toward his own DT, it feels natural to him, this kind of "bloodlust" he feels in his triggered form is something he doesnt want but he knows he cant keep from happening entirely, so as a result the most comfortable place for him is in danger. He can let loose and he doesnt have to worry when all he's killing is demons. One last thing, "i see right past me, the eyes are flashing" to me sounds like Dante becomes almost dissociated when triggered, he's not really present in his mind and body and is acting on pure instinct alone.

All in all, Subhuman (like i said earlier) at first just sounded like an epic battle theme for Dante, but when i really listen to it, it becomes much sadder. Of course all of this could just be me bullshitting so id love to hear other's takes on this.

i also wanna analyze Bury the Light too. So i might do that later.

[peanutheaddd]

so for the dusk au, do you think greg and petey would start fighting again? like joining a martial arts class or something, and they spar as a way to destress and get close to each other again? i was going through your info dump post and saw that you said they used to actually fight in high school and i thought it'd be funny if they did.

also unrelated but still about the dusk au. why is Petey so avoidant of love? like was there something specific that made him so self depreciative? i know you made his dad to be super negligent in this au, but still youd think he'd latch on to the love Greg gave him when they were in school instead of recoiling away.

GRIN!!!!! that WOULD be so funny and i fucking love the "characters who always physically fight have a positive relationship" trope (one of my faves of all time) but i think realistically they wouldnt 💔💔

a lot of their physical tussling as kids was bc they had a Lot of pent up aggression and they were still young . i think theyve mellowed out a Lot since then . 5 years of fatherhood has changed petey LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭 .

also absence makes the heart grow fonder smth smth . like dms been yearning for so long that idt he has it in his heart anymore to tussle with petey . like in all those years they didint talk the last thing he wanted to do was to fight w him again . i think theyd still pull pranks on each other tho LMFAOOOO they need that enrichment

as for why petey is avoidant of love its bc he hates himself 😂😂😂😂 and thats a product of childhood emotional neglect and being rejected by his peers as a kid . nothing happened in specific its just. childhood emotional neglect has crazy long lasting effects bro.

and as for why he didnt latch on to dms love . okay so like. lemme get into his psyche here heh rubbing my hands neurodivergently

dusk petey hates himself as a Person. thats why he puts all his value as a person onto his academic achievements. thats why hes okay with being praised for being smart . bc its true. and in his mind its the only thing hes worth . if you take away the intelligence hes nothing essentially. so thats why hes egotistical in this aspect

but again he hates himself as a person so badly that if anyone claims to like him for . him. he just straight up doesnt believe them . imposter syndrome basically. like "sure this person might like me now but if they find out more about me theyre gonna realize that im nothing special and theyll leave me." and USUALLY he doesnt care bc hes like whatever i dont need friends .

BUT this changes if he actually Likes the person who is saying that they like him. he likes dm So So So much . the thought of dm finding out that hes nothing special and leaving him Kills him because he cares So badly. its terrifying . he was mostly able to maintain such a long relationship w dm BECAUSE they kept pretending to hate each other. when dm confessed to him it completely shattered that illusion . so hes like "Oh. he likes me. but hes going to leave me eventually." and hed rather never experience his love at all rather than experience it briefly and have it ripped away from him . in his mind those are the only two options for him because he thinks of himself as completely unlovable .

so he has to make sure that dm never shows him any love bc he cant afford to get used to it . he Knows that once he gets a taste of that love hes gonna actually wanna kill himself once its taken away from him bc he likes dm So bad . so he completely self sabotages and pulls away so that he can take control over the situation. its just this whole fucked up mental illness cocktail essentially LMFAO

[spookberry]

i know this pic is pretty old and canon may have changed since then but do you have a more hd version of the lineup of the color guardian generations over the years? its from 2022 on your deviantart but dA compressed it! id love to hear about the older teams, like anita's first squad

You mean this thing??

Honestly the other teams aren't super relevant outside of a few characters and I like the idea of leaving it vague enough that there could've been even more guardians embetween the ones here.

But yeah I can tell you a little about everyone!

-Anita was one of if not the first Color Guardians. She was actually very close to her Green specifically. They were Best Friends even before becoming Color Guardians(this leads to conflicts with Rin later because Anita tends to compare the two). Their group wasn't around for very long, no one knew the stakes or how serious everything was back then... That is until one colorless attack that ended with Robin dead and Anita having disappeared with a spark of light. Robin was cheerful and kind. Seeing him die left a bad mark on his teammates that they haven't let go of to this day.

-because of her disappearance Anita was assumed dead too. Both by Layla, the police and even her own family. Octavia showed up on the scene shortly afterwards. She never knew Robin or Anita, but Layla's trauma and the fact that it was just them two for the longest time left a deep impact on Octavia.

-Even after Octavia outgrew her role as Blue, she still worried for the next generation. She made a point to track down the next Blue to as soon as she could in order to teach him everything she knew. She's an adult now and teaches self defense classes to the general public, but also special classes for Guardians specifically. All the Blues have met her, and Chiyo even introduced her to Kimi so Kimi could get better at fighting. Layla wants nothing to do with the newer guardians, so Octavia avoids bringing them up, but the two do check in with one another still.

-The teams are generally organized by which Blue is active, because theres always an active Blue. I labeled him Remi up there but I eventually renamed him Russell, he's the second Blue. Much like Octavia, he spent most his time as part of a Duo, up until she was killed in the line of action. It was only near the end of his career as Blue that Nia and Charun became Colors. Nia met Sue a couple of times and can remember her fondly, but Charun never met her.

-Dimitri is also an interesting character. The only other Pink that anyones aware of, he was an active antagonist for most of his time. He often got in the way on purpose and would sometimes help colorless out just to see what would happen. With the power of friendship and gay tension he eventually turned a new leaf. Though not before Russell hit him with a car(they're married now).

-Marcy and Nia are the most relevant past Guardians to the modern group. Marcy has a tough start as Blue. Everyone on the team had been a Guardian longer than she had and already expected her to fill the leadership role that Russell had. Not to mention the youngest and littlest Guardian Veronica appeared right after Marcy. It was a lot of pressure to say the least. But the four of them developed a pretty intense bond cuz of it. Unfortunately much like the others, Marcy's time as Blue did not end without tragedy. There was a really hard fight once that they almost lost. Charun and Nia got hurt really bad to the point where Charun outright rejected being Green(a painful process) and now hardly speaks to any of them outside of the occasional pesters from Nia. Nia herself was already disabled, but the fight has made it harder to manage. She always knew the physical stress of being Red would have negative impacts on her but she doesnt regret her time as Red nor does she regret any of the choices she made during that time. Marcy broke a leg as well during this which permanently ended her dance career.

-More on Nia actually, she was always the heart of her group, encouraging everyone to keep face no matter what. Even after it all she still continues to push her friends forward and check in with all of them. Her younger sibling, Benny, looks up to her a lot, his Guardian form mimicking hers in many ways.

-The only one who came out unscathed physically was Veronica, though having watched the emotional fall out made her wary of teaming up with any of the Guardians outside of Benny for a while. Benny's a simp too so he follows her lead on everything.

-Marcy's only 20 when she meets Chiyo but immediately takes it upon herself to support and take care of the new team in a mentor-y role. The way Russell did for her and Octavia for Russell. This usually turns into more of an emotional support role than being active on the field. (She's had to talk Chiyo through her crush drama SO many times). Marcy isn't that much older, but when you're 15 but 20 seems pretty mature in comparison. Due to her own angst about what happened to her last group too Marcy tends to put a lot of the pressure of being The Adult for them onto herself. (no anita you dont count as an adult)

-Anita was gone for approximately 15 years mind you, so the teams are pretty spread out with the occasional overlapping member. She hasn't gone to see Layla yet since coming back to the right time. She's scared of all thats changed during her time trapped in the timestream tbh.

[mysillytdsideblog]

My headcanons for mike & co

Vito

Co-host w/ Mike from ages 14-16

Mentally 18-19 ish

System big brother

Handles a lot of the family issues

The one who steps up fr

Sexual Protector Alter

Trauma Holder, but doesnt have a full picture of their trauma

Sexualizes self for attention

Just a cool guy if u get to know him

Wishes he was more built irl lol

He was the one dating their first girlfriend

She didnt know about their DID, both Mike and Vito would rather keep that private

Wants a normal life

Also held down their first job (semi-canon)

He gives a shit but can be emotionally reserved

He doesn’t hate Mal, he just finds him frustrating

A bit of a troublemaker but not out of wanting bad for the system, it’s just the way he is

Creeped out by Mal, thats why he doesn’t like him

Secretly holds grudges but doesn’t tell them unless he’s picking a fight

Kinda a pothead

Chester

Mentally 60s-70s

No specific trauma memories, but he was split from trauma

Has never been the host but he switches in quite often

One of the first alters to have been discovered by their psych

At first the psych thought they were faking just cause of how theatrical Chester was, and how much it annoyed Mal

The psych thought they were faking to get out of juvie

Not to help, Mal said it was a “voice in his head” and would talk to him out loud, not caring who heard

He’s not an introject, but they don’t know why he’s old

He just is who he is

They don’t know why he has a scar over his eye, they presume there’s a trauma reason for it but nobody has any memory of something bad happening to their eye

He feels like he’s a grandfather to Mike, but the feeling’s not reciprocated

Not yet at least

Mike learns to love him

He gets annoyed by Chester still but he finds him more endearing

He likes his hot beverages and pastries

And yelling at the tv

He finds commenting on everything so entertaining

He’s co-con 80% of the time

He finds fronting to be physically exhausting, like it makes him physically feel his age

Has chronic pain in his hips and joints, his psych says it’s phantom pain

He loves his psych, he could go on for hours

He loves little kitty cats! There has never been a cat he couldn’t pet

He wishes he was more welcome when visiting nursing homes, he feels lonely but they don’t like his “portrayal” of an old man

He had gotten kicked out before

Actually, he gets kicked out of places quite often

He has health anxiety and constantly thinks he’s going to fall ill and die

His doctor is so fed up

He believes so many wives tales and basically you can tell him anything and he will believe you (unless he’s in a mood, then he’s just going to shout at you)

Mal

Ambigious early childhood to age 13 host

Mentally shifts between 13 to 17

Persecutor/Protector

Mainly a physical protector, kind of the mind’s back up plan for when things get rough and he needs to protect himself or take action

Holds most of the memory of the physical abuse

Split directly for that reason

He was one of the first

Hates his parents and tries to cause problems as a revenge for all the abuse he endured

Sadistic for this reason

He knew from a very young age that nobody was coming to save him, and they never did

Telling all the trauma he knew about in a court ordered psychiatric evaluation was the main reason he got diagnosed, but he was hoping it was going to put his parents in prison

It didnt

He was originally going to be diagnosed with ASPD before they scrapped that for just a DID diagnosis, mainly because his symptoms were too mixed and inconsistent due to the other alters existing

He still agrees ASPD fits him though and after TDAS he does more specific treatments for it in therapy

They do get diagnosed with ODD though

Basically everyone but Svetlana shows symptoms for it

Mal has it the worst because he has so much pent up hatred from everyone who hurt or failed him

And he only gets the bare minimum when he takes it into his own hands, but its better than nothing

Really clashed with Zoey at first but he was the one to make her understand them more, in his own roundabout way

Actually became close friends with Zoey even if they have their conflicts

Mike

Same age as body

Kinda bigender tbh but he’s not ready for that

Thinks he should be the one to call all the shots because he thinks hes the original

Hes not, there is none

Doesn’t have a lot of childhood memories

Nobody tells him about their trauma

Besides Mal when he’s trying to prove a point

He hates Mal because Mal threatens his sense of control

He overcompensates, being a system scares him so if he’s in charge he will be able to make sure everything’s ok

Just finally coming out of denial, still half in it

He hates being a system

Rude to his alters!!!

After All Stars, he sees his psych again who scolds him

And teaches him to accept his disorder

He does better

He compromises more, he learns that his alters are people too, he adapts to his multiplicity and eventually is the key to achieving functionality between all of them

He struggles to accept Mal, because of his persecutory nature, but he learns why Mal does what he does and with a little work from them both they are able to compromise

Mal has to grow and learn too don’t get me wrong

Svetlana

Same age as body

Transbian

Doesn’t mind being a system tbh

She likes the company

Hosts for short periods but only for upcoming competitions really because its hard for her to pretend to be a singlet

She doesn’t like hiding who she is, she’s way more open about her DID than the others are

She wishes she has more girl friends to talk with but they all know her as mike or mal :(

Total sporty girl she is multi talented in soooo many sports

Gymnastics is her fav obv

Why she has an accent? Who knows? Possibly an introject or maybe shes just like that but as far back as they remember she was there

They are all confused

Has good childhood memories, trauma free

She definitely loved recess and fronted a lot during the school years

Loves making friends, shes very social and kind!!

She’s also the most understanding and gives the best advice

Very emotional and it can be quite theatrical, on par with chester

She’s the one who gets along the most with their parents

Picky eater

She likes to eat clean and hates that the other alters eat meat because she finds it soooo gross

Has her own separate drawer in their dresser for her clothes

Bird lover and has owned pet birds before

Manitoba

Introject, half indiana jones-half steve irwin

Not a fusion he was just made like that

30s-40s

The most recent split

Has a fleshed out part of the interworld including NPCs (like his wife) and spends most of his time there (semi-canon)

He doesn’t prefer to front, he just found total drama fun to compete in

Dreams of traveling the world

Really longs for his innerworld to be real

Tries to keep everyone in line

Wishes they would be less trouble

He doesn’t side with anyone, which makes Mike very angry but he can also see a side to Mal that Mike can’t

He’s the most logical and level headed one

Loves collecting things especially memorabilia from places he’s been

He knows so many animal facts and just general knowledge

It makes Mike feel stupid cause he doesn’t know all that but its in his brain, it confused him how that works still

[worth-this-and-more]

[TW: sh mentions, violence] [spoilers for legendborn and bloodmarked, read at your own caution ;)]

so i've been rereading and trying to cover up all the legendborn content that happened while i pufff disappeared, and pardon me it is taking more time than i imagined, however i just wanted to start off with one pet peeve of mine

*rant incoming*

this might just be my unorganised thoughts or maybe just common sense, but sometimes you dont fully understand why a character did something; you have to sometimes to come back and read it again once you have that epiphany. it doesn't matter whatever tf they are doing, it sometimes just doesnt make that effect, especially on first read.

when i first read bree lashing out on greer and sar when they touched her hair, i didnt quite understand it. i thought its a cultural thing and moved on. now something about me, im a little fair, by indian standards. not completely clear skin and shit but im on the lighter side. so if im in my village, if im anywhere else wearing something with a bit of skin showing, i automatically get the comments "you're so fair" "what's your skincare" "so lucky" "you'd marry so soon" all that typa shit. and then come the unwanted touches, touching me on any exposed skin. and by any i genuinely mean any exposed skin. that's when i kind of realised why bree was so irritated when they tocuhed her hair, because people sometimes see our nicer features as free estate. and its annoying. and that is when her reaction fully made sense.

when i first read selwyn mesmered bree, i was so angry. i did not want bree to forgive him without him grovelling, ofc, but i also could not understand why he did that. what was his motive?? and why hide it from bree only?? nobody else?? now i've been in my low times since like years, not a big deal. got a lot of scars, some too visible, some not. i dont bother hiding it if im out in public where there's nobody who knows me or nobody who would care enough to ask. but if im with my friends, close people, i hide them all. and its just like valec said, its not to hide something its because of the fear of judgement. and that's when it kind of made sense why selwyn would hide his descent specifically from bree. she has bad experiences with mesmer, no doubt, but even worse with demons. it was a bad call through and through but one that is not unfamiliar. i dont hide my scars for my safety, i hide them because im ashamed.

and when nick killed max and then promptly disappeared into the woods, that was also somehow so out of character in my eyes from him. during grief and in the moments of crushing hopelessness, doesn't everyone want someone?? isnt the obvious reaction supposed to be him coming to bree, and not running away from her?? but that's not what happens yk. i once had a classmate who was not generally the type of person you'd want to be around. he was the type of person who has "trouble" spelt on him in flashing neon red. but after all, we were young, wanted to keep the peace, so i kept the decent communication. he would constantly invade my personal space, unwanted touches, unsolicited comments, it gets annoying. the last straw was when he tried to touch my best friend's schoolbag. i, in a moment of pure rage, threw him against the wall and actually started choking him. when the class managed to get me off of him, he was unconscious. in that moment my bestfriend came to put a hand on my shoulder, i visibly flinched and ran away from there and stayed in the washroom until school was over. this isnt as bad as beheading someone, but the response is familiar. of course he is going to go away rather than come closer; people whose love language is physical touch often have their hate language as isolation. i didnt hurt him purely because he tried to take my bestie's bag, i hurt him because i wanted to. nick didnt kill max purely because he killed his father, he killed him because he wanted to.

there's more of the events where we just kind of make this internal bias that we know what the character is going through and that we would definitely make better decisions, but can you?? do you really think you can or you're just overestimating yourself or underestimating the actual thing going on with the character??

i have made this mistake too, i know. i have taken some time to reflect back though and now i can say that yes i have made harsh judgements too. i am changing that tho because i've got a lottt of time to sit down and think and yeah i guess we all need it time to time.

what im trying to say is, things are not black and white. its a spectrum, there's dark grey light grey. it's a lot. and until and unless you are capable of putting yourself in that type of situation or closer, it's better to not make concrete opinions. shit happens and people do things, real life people are just that, people.

anyways this was a long rant i probably lost my point halfway through but okay whateva

[ryleektv]

Lorenzo Berkshire Headcannons

Part 3

warnings: language, mean enzo (per usual tbh), some NSFW (i'll put a divider before it), manipulation to the max

can you tell he's my favorite yet?? 😭

WC: 660

• runs. gets up ungodly early on completely random days to go running in the mornings and brag about how healthy and fit he is all day

• like there is no schedule to it, he just gets that 3am urge to get his shit together and decides to go running the next morning

• actually good at it though (i run and trust it is not easy 💪😔) and takes long as showers afterwards because bud cannot stand the feeling of being sweaty 

• if he is dating you and actually likes you, like straight up in love with you (i fear this is next to impossible but we going with it) you will get the best treatment of your life, you will not ever be in a better relationship

• you're getting genuine royalty treatment, gifts, constant love and affection, the whole nine yards

• but if bro doesnt actually completely like you, you're getting love bombed to another astronomical level

• down bad - taylor swift. its him.

• will embed himself in every single part of your life simply to know that when he eventually breaks up with you (or becomes bad enough to force you into breaking up with him.. that way you take the blame) you will not be able to do anything without thinking of him

• i've seen a few people talk about that and i fully stand by it

• walking to hogsmeade? lorenzo's bought you your favorite things from every one of these stores. 

• eating dinner?? lorenzo personally molded your food taste to match his so now you cannot eat your new favorite foods without it being all about that first time he made you try a bite of his. 

• trying to sleep in your own bed in your own room?? dont you dare forget all those times lorenzo snuck in just to lie next to you until you fell asleep, talking about the bullshit future he convinced you would happen.

• you dare have sex with another man?? lorenzo did it- you- better and you both know it. 

• watching your favorite movie? he claimed it was his favorite too after you two watched it together and then proceeded to watch it specifically with you about a million times after

• simply trying to hang out with your own pet?? too bad it liked lorenzo better (bro even has the poor cat love bombed) 

• "you used a fork once... turns out forks are fucking everywhere" type shit

• in conclusion, you will barely survive the breakup and he's planned it all out 

• also knows damn well you'll probably come running back because he made all these moments with your favorite things good memories, so now you're constantly associated with these good memories of him that he made to wash out the bad moments that way you'd be more likely to forgive, forget, and come crawling back after a few weeks (at the most) 

18+, MDNI

• firm believer in the fact that he's a switch but you wont know that unless you're in a committed relationship with him (or you get him drunk enough tbh because as i've said before, buddy gets drunk and overshares like crazy) 

• otherwise everyone just thinks he's dom because no way in hell is he subbing for some one night stand 

• you get him all wrapped around your finger and actually manage to fix him up enough to date him for real though, bro is a MESS

• sex drive is through the ROOF

• it's almost abnormal. none of his friends are getting busy THAT often 

• does not give half a shit though

• king of foreplay that ends up borderline better than the actual sex 

• man is a master with his fingers but also the biggest munch known to man?? heavenly combination. 

• not an asshole when it comes down to this type of thing though and will make sure his partner is satisfied. 

• wont sit there rubbing the inside of your thigh for a half hour thinking he's doing something!!!!! what a relief!!!! 

pls feel free to send in any requests because i need some ideas and i really feel like writing something

[pumpkinsy0]

hcs of the gang trying to comfort pony after papercut gets into a bad argument that leads to a break or possibly a short break up?

MY BAD THIS TOOK SO LONG, ONCE AGAIN TERRIBLE SLEEPING SCHEDULE

•last thing pony ever wants in this scenario is the gang in his beeswax, hes not gonna open up about it and the gang wont know till 2 days after its happened, even longer if the argument was ponys fault cause hes scared of judgement. he would know what he did its wrong but hearing it would rlly force him to acknowledge it

•curly would totally b blowing up the curtis house phone at some point and they cover for pony saying hes busy, or hes in the shower, any and all excuses to help him avoid curly. inevitably however curly would show up to the house to talk to pony and once again, unless pony steps in and says otherwise, hes getting kicked out (potentially threatened)

•pony is smoking a lot hes actually getting himself a lil sick, the gang has to bum some cigarettes off of him so he has less. later on when ponys doing better they slowly give em back under the guise of paying him back (assuming they didnt smoke it already)

•the only one i can see truly connect w pony on the matter is soda (bc of sandy, i dont think he ever gets over her especially bc the last time they rlly talked it was a huge argument) and darry (highschool love was NOT this guys best). they were totally preparing pony for this to b his first heartbreak😭

•two and steve will call curly everything under the sun that starts w c to try and cheer pony up when they do talk about him, makes everything a lil less serious. like yea, curly did say that but theres no way u knew the word cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine before this and can say it again that smoothly

•they would try to hook pony up w someone else, but w pony dating curly, they do not know this guys taste, so they throw just about anyone ponys age and semi likable his way

•steve hasnt gone through a heart break before and doesnt know what to do so he throws a lil snack and drink from the dx his way, hits his head then asks if hes ok, perks his head in ponys bedroom doorway to make sure hes good, think if the curtis bros actually acted like siblings and were emotionally awkward w each other

•soda, bless his soul, opens up about the good times hes had w evie and pony would talk about the good times hes had w curly. y is curly doing this so u may ask??? so pony doesnt have as much of hard feelings against curly, he can hate what curly did, soda hates what sandy did ofc, but he did love what sandy did w/for him and he wants pony to see that for his own issue, even if curly doesnt have a good rep in sodas head

now adding johnny and dally in a world where they didnt kick the bucket and papercut still happened!!!

•johnny cant offer any advice, hes never been in a relationship and doesnt know what to do in this specific scenario, but hes a good listening ear and w the rest of the gang, sometimes pony just wants to talk and talk and talk w no consequence

•dally is the guy to bring it up to tim or scare curly i to fixing this bc hes sick of seeing pony upset, yes bc he feels bad but also its just annoying to watch and if ponys not gonna demand respect from curly, goodddd damn it he will do it for him

[wolfertinger]

anon

holy fuck wis hit rock bottom and is trying to dig. i was hopeful with the few apologies but its all to save face, she doubles down again and again.

im deadnaming you. sorry i deadnamed you. never mind you made me mad, i dont regret deadnaming you, you should have everything associated with your legal name. your gender identity is only valid when i think you deserve it.

im being racist and disregarding your culture. i have a black boyfriend so i cant be racist. sorry i was uneducated and im learning to be better. i love mexicans. i love mexican music. i have solidarity with mexicans. you're still white and i stand by everything i said. in fact im less white than you.

she didnt rape you, you regretted the sex. well actually maybe she did but i didnt want a trans woman to kill herself and i didnt know the whole story. its not my fault im defending her even if she admitted what happened. never mind she didnt rape you. in fact YOU raped HER. AND you sexually harassed other people. but if she did it wasnt rape it was unconsensual sex. and it doesnt matter anyway if it did happen so you shouldnt bring it up ever.

come on. she cant be serious. and with the 'im only being attacked because im a trans woman who listened to two other trans women.' wis latches on to that because its the only point she can get any sympathy for.

because a lot of what wis is saying is true! people do go after trans women disproportionately! shes fucking the rest of us over by applying that to this situation, where it does not apply, where the person is a rapist first and foremost. especially when wis was the person who brought up her gender identity first. anyone of any gender identity can commit crimes. putting your preferred identity on a pedestal and disregarding actual, admitted, crimes they have done only hurts your community more.

but no no. call the latino a dog with your full chest multiple times. avoid using the word rape so you can control the narrative. use actual issues to say all criticisms are transphobic even though those issues dont apply to you in this situation. keep doubling down until youre backed into a corner, and then give a half assed apology. and then do it all over again. this is pathetic.

with the ' I'll never stop loving Trans women no matter what, as for Trans men, they're men. ' line she posted. my prediction is that shes going to start treating the anons here like men and double down on men having specific views they have to unlearn about women. say that anyone who does after trans women must be transphobic and/or men. it means she wont have to acknowledge anyone criticizing her is a trans woman. and she can call any criticism of what shes doing ' the men crying and saying im being a misandrist because i was mean to men. ' she compared trans men to MRA rights activists already.

i feel bad for salem. hes done things that deserve criticism but on this i only feel bad for him. he will be another man among all the men wis judges for their identity, one of the token "good" ones she uses to defend herself, or he isnt included in the category at all to her. i hope im wrong but if she does go this route then itll have to be one of those

.

[gold-rhine]

"and also, they could progress neuvi and furina relationship which is in insanely awkward spot right now where she thinks he hates her and he thinks they are chill. they could be having them in the same room and having rizzler here too who can actually read neuvi and furina and help them communicate AND it would be funny and cute" Care to elaborate?

i mean furina thought all her coworkers hated her for being annoying, she says so in her story quest, and she says it specifically in relation to neuvi, about how she can ask him for help with getting opera epiclese stage. even when she first talks to clora in that last lantern rite in liyue, she sounds timid and unsure if clora and navia would want to hang out with her. it helps that navia is here with her golden retriver vibes who is just friendly to everyone and immediatelly reassuring. only after that we see furiuna in clora's quest being at ease with clora.

but she still thinks neuvi can't stand her and to be fair, she was annoying to him before, he was pretty openly dissmissive and often confrontational with her, even in their first appearance where he basically treats her like a hazard he has to manage and give her a modicum of attention, even paimon is like oh wow... this is how things are between you two ummmm. but what she doesn't take into account is that after learning her bactostory, neuvi reevaluated his opinion of her and no longer holds any kind of grudge against her and instead respects hger and wishes her the best.

but despite him being supportive of her career out loud in her sq, she still still doesnt realize it bc like. well neuvi has a resting murder face >:| and doesn't understand she's self concious of him. like she knows he's so impartial and fair that he would help her despite his personal feelings, so him helping her with the stage doesn't mean anything. and we know she still thinks so even after her sq bc in ayaka movie event where its long after furina's sq, when the topic comes to maybe having to ask for neuvi's help again, furina is immediately uncomfoirtable, reluctant and treats it as last resort.

so i think what needs to happen is the reverse of that fanfic trope where female character has to help male characters to clear up their feelings. i think here the only hope is for yaoi to help, like rizzler to happen to be in the same room with neuvi and furina and help them clear the air adfghjkl. bc he's like basically only one who can read neuvi decently well, like he still misjudges sometimes, but he at least knows >:| doesn't mean neuvi hates your guts, and also he can read furina's discomfort which neuvi will literally never clock by himself bc he's bad at human emotions. then he can use his 5d chess manipulator skills for good and help furina realize they are chill asdfghjkl

[cheriemariii]

hi I just remembered that torichia secret scenario I got the other day that I didn't have any time to talk about. So im gonna talk about it now before I lose what little free time I have left and go back to hell (summer school) :)

But first! here is a little summary of what happens:

This secret scenario takes place during what would be chapter 4 of ycnb1 aka that one part where yoshino is sick and he reflects on what hatori did aka yoshino being so ridiculously in love with hatori and not even realizing it ("if only I was the guy tori liked... 🥺" INSANE).

So hatori is in his office reflecting on what he did in chapter 3. More specifically, he mentions how he felt angry about his feelings being made public, and how in his desperation, instead of just drawing himself away from yoshino, he ended up doing something that would destroy his relationship with him and in the end couldn't control himself (hmmmmm). He also mentions how, since he realized his feelings for yoshino back in highschool, he kept them a secret to keep his comfortable position as a childhood friend.

His thoughts get interrupted by Takano asking how yoshino is after he collapsed, according to hatori both because of the exhaustation and the shock from what happened (although takano doesn't know this second part obvi....) From this little segment we learn that Yoshino doesnt not like hospitals, that hatori wanted to go see him but didn't bc he didn't want to be a nuisance, and that he had been working a lot, to the point he starts looking pale and takano has to ask him to go home.

Going back to Hatori, he mentions that he has been working so much because it helps him not "think unnecessary things", and realizes that even if he knows he's not gonna be forgiven he still has to apologize because it's gonna get more and more depressing if time keeps passing. So he sends an email and the scenario is over :)

*****

Sooooo yeah, I feel like most of this stuff is not really new? Judging by the picture we get of this secret scenario (just like takano and hatori talking,,) I really hoped this would be the part where hatori decides to tell takano about not wanting to be yoshinos editor anymore. idk, it would've been interesting to see takano wonder what could've happened that was so bad that hatori would no longer want to work with his best friend, let alone the job he had tried so hard to pursue, and then maybe see hatori struggle to find an explanation lmao. ig I was a little disappointed to see that was not the case.

Regardless, there are still a couple of things I wanna highlight from this. First, I wanna bring out a bit of hatoris initial reflection, which I feel is key to understand why tf hatori did what he did. and I'm actually gonna include screenshots of this bc this is important:

...... We already knew from hynb1 that hatori acted out of desperation, but we don't really get further explanation about it. Based on this, I think it's safe to assume that hatoris train of thought when he kissed yoshino was that if he was going to lose him ("destroy" his relationship with him if you will), he might as well be egoistic for once and get as close to yoshino as he has always wanted... But then, once he had yoshino where he wanted him, his already cloudy judgement got even more clouded by both the desire he had been harboring inside him for so long and the desperation of not being able to be this near yoshino ever again once this was over.... and so the lust got the better of him and he "loses control" and whatever happened happens (crap excuse but ok whatever).

Not only was that the most sensate option, but he had actively tried to do that in the past. And he knows that it's a slow tortuous process that at least on his end doesn't actually work, as he never really stopped thinking about yoshino; but he would've been willing to give it another try for yoshinos sake..... until he didn't because, again, the desperation was so strong that he didn't even care anymore.

And if you've paid any sort of attention to his character, you realize just how out of character this decision is for him (fuck, this is something even hatori antis seem to agree with kfhsjdhsj). There is just no way a person so careful, perfectionist and obsessed with saving face would risk the work he has so painstakingly done over the years, all over the very impulses he has so desperately been trying to fight, specially not when there is a safe bet out of his situation, AND EVEN MORE SO when he can't even be a 100% sure yoshino does know anything unless he explicitly states it. Is this an indication of bad writing? not perse (I mean, the means by which fujisaki tries to convey this fucking sucks for a myriad of reasons, but this message in itself is not one of them).

The way I see it, this break of hatoris character, this one show of egoism after years of being so selfless (in his own selfish way lmao), is no other that the raw manifestation of hatoris life just not making any sense anymore. Again, hatori has based so much of his life around being close to yoshino as a childhood friend no matter the cost; but if he loses that so out of nowhere,, what does he have anymore? WHO tf is hatori after this? leaving the very questionable writing aside,, can he really be blamed for losing his mind when the one thing that has kept him going this whole time is gone for good?

I was a little horrified the first time I read this line bc what the fuck do you mean "deliberately"???????? Was he actively trying to hurt yoshino??????? As, what, an incelese revenge of sorts?????? Doesn't that contradict everything I just said????

And then I remembered google translate is not the most trustworthy source out there, so I decided to put the original line through a different translator. The line in question is "なのに, 敢えて吉野を傷つけるような真似をしてしまった"; and the part that we're interested in is "敢えて" (aete). According to this other translator, followed by the google search I just did, it means "to dare"; and while some sites do define it as "purposely doing something", the key element here is that the something in question is a thing the subject knows is bad or pointless.

So what this line actually implies is that, amidst this mental breakdown of sorts he is suffering after having all his way of life turn out meaningless (something chill you know....), hatori is no longer in a mental state to follow his reason (as somewhat explicitly stated in ycnb3, actually) and so he dares to do the one thing he has always wanted to (you know, the whole feeling close to yoshino via physical contact), and it's now that he is thinking about it that he realizes how badly he has hurt yoshino and that the only thing he has left now regret that he gave in to his impulses.

***

Ok, so believe it or not that entire bible you just read is only one of the two things I wanted to highlight. The other thing that called my attention is the use hatori gives to his job as a way to "not think unnecessary things". Which is not really new either? Its kind of implied in the new years party episode,,

Remember when I said that yoshino was the one thing hatoris life revolved around? well, it is true mostly, but there is actually a second thing: his job. Its a common conflict throughout the yoshino novels, really: how hatori is so focused on being productive that he accidentally lets it affect his relationship with yoshino, and even to the point it goes against his very own dignity as a person (right ichinoseeee???) And it is rather ironic that even this part of hatori is so dependant on yoshino xd (who did hatori choose his job for again???)

So hatori working even more than he usually does, even to the point it physically affects him, might as well be a way for him to cling to the only thing he still has left... until he has to give up that too. We know that hatoris way of apologizing was pretty much trying to cut himself out of yoshinos life for good. but letting go of his work (yeah, the scene poses it as yoshino and hatori just not working together anymore. but given yoshinos resistance to let go of hatori, it would not be surprising if hatori decided to separate himself from marukawa altogether) would officially mean letting go of EVERYTHING he has lived for up to this point.

Let me say that again: hatori was willing to let go of HIS WHOLE SENSE OF SELF to make it up to yoshino after hurting him... and so knowing this, is it really that insane that hatori views yoshino forgiving him, hence letting him keep everything that gave his life any meaning, as a show of ~divine mercy~?